On the road to healing, you're often there before you realize it. You spend so much time looking at the map, planning your journey, your meals, your supplements, finding teachers along the way...and then all of a sudden you're there without much fanfare. And if you're like me at all, you're on to the next thing.
Which I caught myself doing today. And I'm ashamed. A few months ago and for several years all I wanted was to feel better. Be myself again. Be free from the debilitating fatigue of adrenal failure and all of its sidecar cousins like Hashimoto's, migraine, sexual libido shut down, inflammation and more. I've spent years detoxing. Removing heavy metals from my body. Making charts. Healing my liver.
And now, suddenly, finally, I am here. Cinderella is at the ball. Her ugly step sisters were left back at the bus station. I'm myself...(but not really, I'm better) and now I want to get on with it. Where's my career 2.0, where's my lover, where's my real estate closing, why is my wardrobe so lame...
Ohhhh, how quickly we forget grasshopper. But I think it's human nature once you're on the slog of a journey for a decade and you finally crest the mountain (but for sure I'm not to the top...but a clearing we'll say) you want to get on with it. You don't want to sit and reflect at how long it's been, how bad you've felt, how many hurdles you've jumped. I for one, am not one to sit around and self congratulate, I move ahead all the time. Like a shark. BUT. Cycling back around and maybe making sure we don't make the same mistakes all over again? That might be a good practice, no?
I'm not an astrologer but I listen to a lot of them and the key theme in the last few months has been about Mars. How close it is to the earth, how it's a giant red fireball and how it's in retrograde. I also know that Mars rules Aries, a particularly triggery sign of the zodiac for me. Aggression, male energy, war, penetration, impatience. Ruining things and regretting it later and as my friend says, "The Infants of the Zodiac...who need lots of mothering in between their conquests and adventures.." I have close friends and family who are Aries. I cannot forgive their foibles like I can other signs. And that, my friends, is on me. The person who triggers you is just a mirror. And at this time of New Moon, solar and lunar eclipses, planets in retro and a huge portal of energy opening up it is in a word...a good time to dig up those demons, say, OHhhhhhh, I see. And toss them off into the worm hole in the sky.
The biggest gift of getting heavy metals out of my body and clearing the paths...is that my memory is back. Yea, it's been a strange and wonderfully weird road. And with that memory and within my tissues---hide psych boogers---those sticky left overs in your past that reside within your Shadows. And I think our Souls protect us. I don't think we can all let all of those dogs out all at once. That's why some people never come back "right" after an Ayahuasca trip. I fear I would be one of those lost in the Amazon forever. Slow and steady reveal works for me. Too sensitive. South node in Scorpio sensitive. Make it your gift so it doesn't eat you alive sensitive. And part of me is very much a rip the band aid off kind of person. But that hasn't historically done me any favors.
So in this time, be as slow as you need to be. Sleep as much as you need. Eat and hydrate and pray and get quiet. Download and integrate. Then emerge and have gratitude. You're exactly where you need to be.